..:..:: Gotta Get It Outta My Head ::..:..

Seven months ago, I wrote about my decision to leave California for Michigan, and Michigan for California.  This is about my decision to do the exact same thing…again. 

Two weeks after posting that entry, Jason came out to California, to steal me away to Michigan.  It all felt so romantic: boy flies halfway across the country to confess his undying love for girl, and whisks her away to a house in the countryside.  We spoke of his sudden change of heart in wanting to get married and have kids.  He said he realized that he didn’t want to live his life without me, and if that meant getting married then he was happy to do so, as long as he didn’t lose me again.  He said he wanted to start a family with me, and build our lives together, if that’s what I wanted. 

Three weeks after arriving in Michigan (again), I found out I was pregnant.  To say I was surprised, is an understatement.  To say my parents were unhappy about the news…well, some things are better left unsaid.  It was too soon.  One day we were living 2000 miles apart, and the next, I’m carrying his child, back in the same predicament I was in before.  I was so lost and confused at that time.  A part of me wanted to be excited, as this was something I had never experienced before, but a part of me was ashamed of myself for being so careless.  How could I be unwed and pregnant?  How could I have let this happen, especially with a man with a few kids of his own?  It took me a long time to realize that I was hearing my mother’s voice in my head, not my own.  Once I realized that, things became a lot easier.  I will always love my mother, and value her opinion, but this is my life and I’ve never done things the easy way.  I like to clear my own path, even if it is overrun by brambles and thorns. 

I got a job while I lived in Michigan.  I worked for a whole four months before I realized it just wasn’t working there.  I had stopped doing things that I wanted for myself.  School hadn’t been put on the back burner, I’d completely removed it from the stove.  What’s that crazy looking thing in the corner? Oh, that’s a guitar? I think I used to play one of those…back in the day.  Socializing? What’s that?  Friends? You’ve got to be kidding me, people actually interact with people other than their significant others?  Looking in the mirror, I saw a stranger staring back at me.  Not only was her belly distended, but her smile never quite reached her eyes. 

I finally worked up the courage, and told Jason that I wanted to move back to California.  It wasn’t a total surprise to him, because we had been talking about moving back in a year if neither of us were happy then.  Obviously, he wasn’t happy about me leaving him, again, and taking our baby with me.  We tried to work out a plan that worked best for us, but in all actuality, it was my plan. 

So, here I am: 32 weeks pregnant, unemployed, no health benefits, living with my parents, trying to live a decent life.  I thought applying for Medi-Cal would be fast and easy, like it was in Michigan.  No such luck.  Submitted my application in April before I left, and still have not heard any news.  My belly keeps getting bigger, the baby keeps moving, and as far as I know I’m pretty damn healthy.  But I can’t stop stressing about the unknown.  What if the baby comes early? What if Jason can’t get out here in time to be there for the birth? What if everything falls apart, he decides that leaving his kids in Michigan is impossible, and since I’ve already left it’s easier to let things be?  He says the latter is not even an option.  He will be here for the birth, and he will move to California by the end of summer.  But there is so much in the unknown, there’s no way he can be sure. 

I love him, with all of my heart, and I know that he loves me.  We want to spend the rest of our lives together, but he hasn’t proposed.  We talk of where we want to get married, but my finger still wears a ring that was given to me as a Valentine’s day gift, not a ring symbolic of a promise, engagement, or vow.  Do I want too much from him?  Is it unreasonable for me to expect certain things from him?  I feel that my trust in him is wavering.  Could it be the lies about cigarettes? His promises to get things done that never happen?  Or maybe it’s the fact that I’m in California, waiting for him to make a plan about coming out here, but when I raise the question of “When?”, all I get is, “I’ve been thinking about it.” How much thinking can one person do without ever coming to a conclusion?  Even the greatest thinkers had results.  I’m starting to believe that his definition of thinking is more along the lines of postponing.  What am I to do with that?  I’m a planner.  A mover and shaker.  A pregnant lady with more to worry about than herself.

Why can’t he understand that and help me out?  Just come up with a small plan.  Something, anything would be better than “I’ve been thinking about it.”